Potter Potty Training
by RedVinesFTW
Summary: Lily has left James and the Marauders with a massive task. Teaching Harry how to wee on a potty. The Marauders take it in turn. Bribing, impersonations, danger, parties and humour! One Shot. Rating T for swearing. R&R please! Second HP one shot.


**A/N: This is another Harry Potter one shot! :D I hope you enjoyed 'Amusing Sirius' and now I'm writing another one. I prefer writing Harry Potter one shots to a full length story :)**

**Okay, so here we go! You better hold on tight! XD It's really random, by the way. **

Potter Potty Training

"Harry, you know you want to go on the potty," James Potter, the father of the toddler he was stood over, muttered, bending down to pick Harry Potter up. He held him up above his head, causing Harry to giggle with happiness.

"He should want to go potty, he hasn't been for hours!" Sirius complained, jumping onto the couch that wasn't occupied. Lily was out shopping for baby supplies and Remus and Peter were upstairs, cleaning the potty so it would be ready for Harry's potty training. There was a loud bang and then numerous loud noises that indicated that the two wizards were coming down. The werewolf's face was soon visible when he entered the room that contained James, Sirius and Harry. A small, watery-eyed man followed Remus into the room. He looked as if he needed to use a potty himself and he was wringing his hands, his wand stuffed into his front pocket. Remus took one step into the room, his hair, which was flecked with light grey even though he was still young, shone in the light.

"James?" he asked wearily. His voice also held a tone of guilt that was obvious when his eyes darted towards Peter.

James turned around, still holding Harry in his arms. "Yes, Moony?"

Moony brought his hand out from behind his back. In his hand he held a melted bit of plastic that's purpose was unrecognisable. James' eyebrows furrowed together in confusion. Remus smiled slightly and he chuckled to himself. "It's a melted potty." He handed the potty to James, who shifted Harry in his arms so he could take it. He observed it carefully and he eventually let a long laugh which startled the toddler.

"What happened to it?" James asked between bouts of unstoppable laughter. Peter slowly put his hand up like he was answering one of Professor McGonagall's difficult questions that he always got wrong. Peter wrung his hands a few more times and turned to face James, gulping before speaking. "Um... I kind of, used a spell on it. And I got the wrong spell," he mumbled, his face turning a bright shade of red because he was embarrassed that he hadn't known such simple magic. Sirius rose from the sofa and poked the potty with his wand, not wanting to use his finger in case Moony and Wormtail hadn't managed to clean it properly before causing it to explode and melt. Sirius started to wonder why the potty would need to be cleaned if it was brand new. One of his eyebrows rose in confusion and he looked towards James, his face's expression scared but with a touch of confusion. James saw that Sirius was scared to touch the potty so he joked, "Y'know, if you touched it you won't be cursed. It isn't some kind of cursed potty that makes you smell of poop for the rest of your life. Now, _that_ would be a disaster!"

Sirius mouth muscles relaxed and his mouth opened in shock. He froze, staring at his fingers, just in case such a curse did exist. He pulled away, scared for his good looks and his future sex life. Harry started giggling and he reached forward and pulled at Sirius' locks. Sirius pretended to cry to amuse the toddler and he took him from James' arms. Harry laughed more and James went upstairs.

After searching around upstairs for the past ten minutes, James came downstairs, his hand gripping a new potty that Harry could use. He placed it on the floor in the spacious bathroom and called for Sirius to bring Harry in. Sirius and Harry walked in, the toddler grasping onto Sirius' large hand. He kept hold of it when he saw the potty, frightened of the unknown. "C'mon, Harry," James encouraged and he held out his arms to make sure Harry was stable. The toddler gripped hold of his father and plopped down onto the bright pink potty that was decorated with intricate flowers and bumble bees. He looked around, surveying the arrangement. His fingers touched everything he could see, and he was using his senses to explore the bathroom. Padfoot and Prongs looked down at him admiringly as he sat on the potty.

"Um... James?" Sirius asked after a few minutes watching Harry sat on a pink potty. Harry's eyes flickered onto Sirius' grey ones and they both stared at each other for several more moments until the suspense was too much. Sirius screamed and ran out of the bathroom, leaving Harry and James alone.

"Harry, please pee or poop or something!" James pleaded. He waved his hands in the air, frustrated when Harry started sucking his thumb. "Remus!"

The werewolf popped his head in, his eyes showing the fatigue that radiated off his body. "Yes, James. What would you like?"

Prongs looked up at his friend, and then down at the toddler in front of him. Remus' eyes made the connection between him and Harry and he knew what James was about to ask. He started to shake his head, doubting his abilities with looking after small children who might pee. "I'll give you chocolate, Remus," Prongs begged. "Please, you're the most sensible, the most mature. Just do this one thing for me and I'll give you enough chocolate for a month." Remus' lips pulled up into a smile and he sat down on the floor next to the potty. James' face lit up in a huge grin and you could almost see the cogs of his brain working. James had arranged this since Lily had left. He and Sirius would sneak off to The Three Broomsticks, while Remus and Peter stayed behind with the toddler. He got up and dusted off his bright emerald green robes and exited the room. He climbed the stairs, a sinking feeling in his heart about having to let go of his precious Honeyduke's chocolate. His feet stomped heavily as he returned to the bathroom, where a waiting Remus was sat with his hand out, ready to accept his prize. The werewolf took the chocolate gladly and ripped open a bar, and gulped it down without taking a breath. James stood before him, amazed. "What?" Remus mumbled, his mouth already full with another bar. Prongs merely shook his head at his werewolf friend's addiction and his jet black hair swayed with every movement of his head. James left the room, leaving the werewolf to try and teach the baby to pee in a potty.

"Harry," Remus began. "Do you like chocolate?" He waved a bar temptingly in front of Harry's face, trying to succeed in making him wee in the potty. It had been half an hour since James and Sirius had taken the floo network to reach The Three Broomsticks. Remus sat, thinking about hot butterbeer running down his throat like a waterfall. He looked down at his scarred hands, and for the first time in his life he felt annoyed at his chocolate addiction. That was the only thing that stopped him from going with James and Sirius. Also, the fact that Wormtail didn't seem capable of looking after a small child by himself. Remus climbed onto his knees, so he was up close to the child. "Harry." Remus snapped his fingers to grab the boy's attention and it failed. The werewolf pinched the bridge of his nose, annoyed that his plan to bribe Harry wasn't working. It calmed him down and the wooden door behind him opened a crack, and his amber eyes were met with small watery ones. "Remus?" Peter Pettigrew, a small man who resembled a rat, asked nervously.

"Yes?" Moony replied, picking up the toddler. He knew their was no point in continuing to bribe Harry, so he gave up willingly.

"Thank goodness!" Peter squealed, pushing past the two other occupants of the room. "I need to go potty!"

Remus' cheeks blushed furiously. "Too much information, Wormtail," he said before covering Harry's innocent eyes and turning on his heel and exiting the room, Harry in his arms and his tatty robes flowing behind him with the slight breeze that his movement had created.

After Peter had finished his business in the bathroom, it had been thoroughly cleaned by Lupin using his wand. This made the bathroom smell more lemony then it had previously, and Remus' heightened senses noticed this fact. He moved from the bathroom into the living room, where Peter was sat on the sofa, picking his nose. Lupin coughed and Wormtail immediately pulled out his finger and blushed, his cheeks becoming a light pink colour. The noise of a door opening and closing could be heard from the hall, and the shuffling of two pairs of feet commenced.

"Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?" Sirius sang, waddling into the house, obviously under the influence of a tiny amount of fire whiskey. James followed, his eyes slightly puffy. He searched the room, and found his son and joyfully ran to him, nearly tripping along the way. He pulled up Harry, staring deep into his sparkling green eyes that reminded him of why he fell in love with Lily in the first place.

Remus took a step forward. "Be warned, Prongs, Harry still hasn't been to the potty."

Harry giggled energetically, before there was a horrid smell that came from the toddler's nappy. Sirius pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to block the smell from entering his nostril's even more.

"Moony? Was that you?" Sirius began wafting his hands around, still placing the blame on innocent Lupin.

Remus stared at Sirius, his eyes bulging at being accused. "Of course it wasn't, Sirius. It was Harry."

Sirius stopped wafting and looked around the circle before shouting, "Bagsy not changing the nappy!"

James rolled his eyes before declaring the same thing, and Remus soon followed the lead. Peter looked up at the three men surrounding him, shivering as he did so. The toddler was pulled into the bathroom where Peter was about to do the dirty job of changing his nappy.

"Glad I didn't have to do it," Sirius said with a smile.

Peter fumbled about with the nappy, trying to figure out how these muggle things worked. He fiddled for several minutes before it came undone in his small, podgy fingers. He continued muttering, much to Harry's amusement. Peter whipped out the nappy from under the child's bottom and wrapped it up, chucking into a nearby bin. His murmuring was the only sound that echoed off the bathroom walls as he shuffled around, searching for fresh nappies. He soon spotted them tucked away in a cabinet which was attached to the wall. His small arms reached up, trying to reach the door to the cabinet so he could grab some nappies. Who really wants a naked Harry running around? He thought about calling the other Marauders to help but then he felt his wand poking into his stomach and he remembered he was a wizard. He squeaked, pulling the wand out of his pocket and grasping it in his fingers, thinking of the spell to summon items. "Accio nappies," Peter thought. But instead of several nappies flying towards the small man, a spark burst out of the tip of his wand, causing the nappies to set alight. Peter ran a hand through his limp hair, sweat starting to form at the nape of his neck. His knees shook together as the flames spread, heat rising from them. Peter gasped, scared at what he had just done. His legs carried him out of the room and into the hallway.

Sirius was laid on the couch, fiddling with his rather long hair. Remus had his nose in a book, his nose twitching every few seconds. "What is that smell?" he muttered, his nose taking in deep breathes of air. "Is something burning? Are you cooking again, James?"

The werewolf shook his head disapprovingly before James said, "As a matter of fact, I'm not."

Remus jumped up, throwing his book on the couch, where it hit Sirius in the face. Sirius grumbled in pain but nobody paid any attention to him. Remus dashed for the door, following his nose, when he bumped into a small object which he immediately recognised as Peter. "Peter!" James shouted as he threw his hands up in the air. "Where's Harry?"

Peter's eye twitched as he remembered he had left the toddler in the room with the fire. He shook his head, his hands clawing each other, scared at what his friends will think of him when this ordeal was over. Remus and the other two Marauders had already rushed off to the bathroom, Moony leading the way. Peter could hear Sirius trying to lighten everybody's moods by singing, "Following the leader, the leader, the leader. We're following the leader wherever he may go."

Remus soon shut him up by pushing open the door, a look of determination on his weary face. The room was sweltering hot and the flames roared. Harry was still sat where Peter had last placed him, his tiny eyes closed, oblivious to the extraordinary danger he was in. James ran forward, scooping his child up into his arms and ran out, calming his son down along the way.

Moony and Padfoot pulled out their wands and pointed them directly at the heart of the fire. "Aguamenti!" they both cried, water spurting out of their wands.

"We should ring Lily," Remus suggested, before using the spell again.

"No!" Sirius shouted. "We don't need to, we can handle this on our own. Us Marauders need to stick together."

Remus sighed, finally putting out the last flame and wiping the sweat off his forehead. "Fine, Padfoot."

"Harry," Padfoot cooed. He stroked the child's cheek and continued cooing, happy he was spending some time with his godson after the situation that had just occurred. But Sirius would have preferred if he didn't have to spend the time in the bathroom, where his senses detected an odd smell. "Now, can you please go potty, Prongslet?"

Sirius knelt down and got comfortable on the floor. After a few minutes he decided he was bored to death, so he used his magical ability and changed into his animagus form. He started pacing around the bathroom, being careful that he didn't leave any dirty paw prints on the floor because Lily would have a fit if he did. He sniffed the floor, sat and started cleaning his fur with his tongue, enjoying the feeling that came with his actions. Harry, who idolised Sirius, copied him immediately, crawling onto the floor and pretending to be a dog. Sirius barked with laughter, watching the young boy carefully, amazed at how dog like he was. The child looked up into his godfather's furry face, which was beaming with joy. Sirius changed back into his human form and was sat in front of the child who was the spitting image of his father.

Harry lifted up one leg, still thinking he was a canine. "Pissssssssssssssss," he said before giggling loudly. "Pissssssssssssssss."

Sirius shook his head, damning himself to hell for teaching Harry naughty swear words for his own amusement. The next one that will escape his innocent mouth might be -

"Shitttttttttttttttttttttttt," Harry shouted loudly, laughing at the shocked expression on Sirius' face.

"No, Harry! Please don't swear!" Sirius begged, covering Harry's mouth to stop him from talking.

The door opened behind them and James stepped in. Sirius was still shushing the toddler and James looked down in confusion. "What are you doing to my son, Padfoot?" he said, his eyes bulging out of their sockets slightly at the sight before him.

"Uh, nothing," Sirius said before handing the toddler to James and rushing out of the bathroom.

James placed Harry on his hip, placing the tip of the bottle in his mouth so he could drink. Sirius had gone off somewhere upstairs and Peter had followed him soon after. Remus was lied on the couch, his eyes shut tightly and his breathing light. James tiptoed past him, so he didn't wake him when he needed the sleep. Harry was busy drinking his milk, making a small slurping noise.

Sirius was sat on the bed in the spare room, a laptop on his lap. His fingers crawled across the keyboard, creating a loud clicking noise. Peter was sat beside him, watching his every move eagerly, making 'oohs' and 'aahs' every few seconds. Sirius opened up the internet browser and typed a website. The website loaded and Sirius went onto his profile. He made several more times and then he started writing. "Party at James Potter's house. Everyone invited. Bring food."

After several minutes, there were about twenty comments on his status and they all said that they would be glad to come. Padfoot rubbed his hands together gleefully, happy that his plan was coming together perfectly without James' knowledge. Peter let out an evil laugh which was interrupted when Sirius said, "Only I can do the evil laugh, Wormtail."

Wormtail stopped immediately, eyeing Sirius carefully, a look of sadness washing over his face.

James started climbing on the stairs, Harry still in his arms. His feet made a noise which bounced off the walls, alerting Sirius and Peter that someone was coming upstairs. Padfoot jumped, clutching the laptop in his hands before running into James and Lily's room (where he'd retrieved the laptop from) and shoving it under the duvet, still turned on and logged into Facebook.

Sirius ran from the room, scared of being caught by Prongs. He closed the door swiftly behind him, making sure it was at it was left before. He gave a mini evil laugh and joined Peter in the spare room once again.

"Our plan is almost complete, my friend," he said, patting Wormtail on the shoulder.

Peter nodded, listening intently. James had reached the top of the stairs, and he was currently heading for the door knob of the spare room. He reached out, grasping it in his hand before pulling it open.

"Hi James," Peter squeaked.

"Um, hi," James replied, his eyebrows lifting as he tried to figure out what the hell them two were doing before he arrived.

Sirius nodded his head, acknowledging James' arrival, not trusting his voice in case it might give him away.

"We'll... Just be going," Peter said, jumping up from the bed and pushing past James to get through the doorway.

"What's wrong with him?" James asked, curiosity colouring his tone.

"Probably needs potty," Sirius said before mentioning, "again."

James cracked a smile as Sirius excused himself and followed Peter. Something was definitely going on between those two.

Sirius plodded down the stairs, unaware that several people had already arrived and that the house was packed with writhing bodies of witches and wizards. Suddenly music blared from the loud speakers that James had installed a few months ago.

Prongs looked down the stairs and called, "What the hell is going on down there?"

Sirius shrugged his shoulders, getting to the bottom of the stairs and pushing open the door to absolute mayhem. The lights were all out and all the furniture had been moved to the sides of the room so there was available dancing space. Bottles of firewhisky were rolling around on the floor, some empty but some still full. Music was blaring out and there were several people getting it off around the room. Sirius searched for Remus and Peter, worried about their whereabouts. He spotted Remus on the couch, two people sat on top of him without realising. He wandered over, meandering through the crowd until he reached the sleeping Marauder. He pushed the people off of him, them giving shouts of shock.

"Remus?" Sirius began, slapping the werewolf around the face. Wow, he really was a deep sleeper. He slapped him a few more times, and Moony's eyes flickered open. Remus cringed back into the sofa, taking in his surroundings before he noticed Sirius.

"Siri?" he asked, his eyebrows furrowing together. "What's going on?"

"Oh, it's just a small party," Sirius replied, helping Lupin off the sofa and dusting down his robes.

"Small?" Remus' eyes widened, taking in the vast amount of people. "This is what you call small?"

"Well, yeah."

Moony slapped him upside the head. "Idiot," he mumbled.

James made his way through the crowd, setting Harry down on the sofa where he knew he'd be safe. He searched for the rest of his friends, confused as to why these strangers had come to his house. But before he could find the remaining three Marauders he was greeted by Arthur Weasley who waved energetically at him, his red hair glowing under the lights. "Thanks for the great party, James!"

"I didn't throw this party," James said, confused as to what Arthur was talking about. He shrugged his shoulders and turned away from Arthur, deciding he would go outside for some fresh air.

"What in the world is happening here, James Potter?" Lily Potter shouted, her voice rising above the music. With a wave of her wand the music stopped and she was able to be heard by everyone. Her cheeks were a red that matched her hair perfectly and her hands were filled with shopping bags. "Everybody get out!" She turned to face James. "Where the hell is Sirius Black?"

James shrugged his shoulders as everyone filed out the door, carrying bottles of firewhisky with them. Some people stuffed their faces with the food that was available before shuffling out of the door, where an angry Lily was stood, mumbling about how she couldn't trust her husband to do one simple thing. Her eyes glared at every person who looked her way and she slammed the door shut once she knew everybody was out except James, Remus, Sirius and Peter.

She stomped over to the door to the cupboard under the stairs and yanked it open. There stood Sirius, Remus and Peter all cramped together in the small confined space. "Get out boys," she said, jerking a thumb over her shoulder, indicating the direction they were to go in. The three men shuffled out, heads hung in shame. Lily turned to the line-up of Marauders and she eyed each one in turn. "Remus, you're free to go."

Remus left the line, secretly doing a happy dance in his head.

"Hey that's no f-" Sirius began but he was cut off by Lily.

"Shut up, Black," she snarled. "I decided what's fair in my house."

Peter shuffled his feet, not daring to look up at the furious woman in front of him.

Lily paced, continuously searching each man's face. She stopped suddenly, gazing at James. "Where's Harry?" she asked, her tone worried.

"Shit!" James shouted, spinning on the spot and searching for his son.

"Shitttttttttttttttttttttttt," James and Lily heard from the corner of the room. They both jumped forward, Lily biting her lip. They soon found their son behind a muggle contraption called a TV. His hands were waving around and in his mouth were several cables. Lily gasped before pulling him up, pulling the wires out of his mouth.

She pulled Harry close, as if she was scared that he would disappear again. "You, James Potter, are going to be having serious words with me tonight," she hissed. Then she turned to Sirius and Peter. "And you two, you just left my son, on his own, without anyone watching him." Sirius was about to interrupt again but Lily spoke over him. "And don't think about blaming Remus, he's extremely tired and he wouldn't have been able to look after Harry. No offence, Remus."

"None taken."

"Now you two -" she pointed at Padfoot and Wormtail, "- can get out of my house. Remus, you're allowed to sleep in the spare room if you wish."

James Potter changed in the bathroom for the first time in a couple of years. He pulled on his pyjamas and ran his hand through his hair, trying to flatten it a bit. He opened the door to their en suite and walked into the bedroom where Lily was already in bed, reading a worn-out book.

"Where'd you get that from?" James asked, pointing to the tatty book that was falling apart.

"Remus let me borrow it," she said, her bright emerald green eyes scanning each page carefully.

"Ahh," Prongs said, climbing into bed. Something cold was touching his leg and he thought it was Lily's leg catching his under the covers accidentally. "Your legs are cold," James said, laughing lightly.

"Excuse me?" she said, her brows furrowing together, her mouth set in a straight line. "I'm not touching you."

Prongs lifted up the duvet, looking underneath it. His long arms reached in and pulled out the laptop.

Lily eyed it curiously. "What is my laptop doing in our bed?"

"I don't know," James said, lifting up the top, the screen light glaring out. Facebook was loaded and James used the mouse to click on profile. Sirius 'I'msofeckinghot' Black was logged in and he was about to log out when he noticed the last status Sirius had posted: "Party at James Potter's house. Everyone invited. Bring food."

Lily's eyes flashed as she read the status. "I'm going to kill him," she muttered before turning out the light and lying down, mumbling under her breath of all the different ways she could think of to kill Sirius Black.

**A/N: I told you it was rather crazy :P**

**I haven't checked if the grammar is all correct but I hope you can look past that fact :)**

**Review please! Thank you for reading! (:**


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